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When Life Takes a Turn: Using Resilience Skills to Manage Stress and Emotions

I often remind training participants that strengthening resilience is essential because we never know what is around the next bend. I was reminded of that in full force last week when I got a call from my husband saying he was okay, but he had been in a car accident. 

I was so grateful he was alive. We then spent about 12 hours in the Emergency Room. When we found out he wasn’t 100% okay—he had broken his sternum, they then ran all the necessary tests to determine if he had other internal injuries. The results were delayed because the Microsoft/Crowdstrike debacle had brought the hospital’s IT system down. At the time, we didn’t understand our problem was part of a global issue. It just felt exhausting.

When we finally got to bed at 3 am, my resilience skills helped me fall asleep. I used the Centering Skill of Finding Gratitude and thought about all the kind people who had helped us that day: 

  • The two men who called 911 after they saw the accident and stopped to see if Steve was okay. 
  • The two women in the other car checked on him and were so kind about being hit. 
  • The CHP officer and tow truck driver patiently advised us what to do. 
  • All the medical personnel cared for us so well, even while in a tech crisis themselves.

The world is full of lovely people who are kind and caring during stressful times. I knew because of my regular practice that we center ourselves more effectively when we visualize those people and specify exactly how they helped us. 

Now, four days later, I am still using my Resilience Skills. Last night at 2 a.m., I woke up overwhelmed with emotions. I realized that my Protective Pattern of Avoiding had kept me focused on “what to do next” to watch out for Steve’s health. I felt more relaxed when I went to bed, believing we were past the crisis stage. Naturally, this meant I no longer needed my Reactive Resilience with its Protective Patterns. My body stopped Avoiding and allowed the full rush of emotions from the accident to flood in:

  • First—terror. Without the right safety equipment, that accident could have seriously injured my husband.
  • Next—frustration. I don’t want to worry about one more thing!
  • Then—grief and disappointment. I had finally started feeling joyful after a stressful year, and now our summer trip will have to be modified. Life will be more challenging for a while.
  • After that—worry. Steve has an underlying lung infection, and this injury could exacerbate it.
  • Finally—depletion. We are already carrying so much. Do I have the strength to carry more?

All these feelings swirled as I used the Centering Skill of Noticing Myself to process my emotions. It took a long time to fall asleep. As I drifted off, I thought about my late father-in-law’s description of love: We carve off a piece of our heart and it walks around in the world completely unprotected. And the more people we love, the more unprotected pieces are walking around. It helped me understand how our Protective Patterns don’t just emerge when we feel vulnerable or unsafe—they emerge when those we love are also vulnerable. 

As long as I feel Steve is vulnerable, my Protective Patterns of Attacking or Avoiding are engaged. I try to Notice them and choose whether they are helping or limiting. Through daily check-ins with myself, I am able to be in a better relationship with my Protective Patterns, and even though it is tough, I am able to be more centered. 

What practices might serve you in being ready for the unexpected?

With resilience, 

Meri and the Dovetail Learning team

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