Collaborating Skills Tools to Listen, Communicate, and Thrive Together
Strengthen Relationships. Deepen Connection.
The five We Are Resilient™ Collaborating Skills are evidence-based practices that support stronger, more effective teamwork—especially in times of stress, change, or high emotion.
These skills foster trust, shared leadership, and mutual respect by helping teams navigate challenges, communicate clearly, and work toward common goals with empathy and accountability.
Together, these practices move teams from disconnection to collaboration, creating the conditions for psychological safety, resilience, and meaningful progress. All groups—from work teams to families to community organizations—benefit from practicing these skills together.
What am I sensing or feeling about the whole group?
Noticing Group means tuning into the emotional tone and energy of the group, not just what people say, but how they show up. We observe facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and silence, as well as shifts in engagement or mood
Practicing Noticing Group Looks Like:
Observing shifts in group mood, energy, or engagement
Noticing who is participating—and who isn’t
Paying attention to nonverbal cues like posture, tone, and facial expressions
Sensing when the group is aligned or disconnected
Adjusting our presence to help support the group’s balance and focus
When a group shares a common purpose, noticing what’s happening collectively helps us stay aligned, responsive, and inclusive. The way individuals are centered and connected has a ripple effect, shaping the group’s overall sense of safety, creativity, and collaboration.
Why Noticing Group — The Science
Noticing the level of group emotional relatedness or separation helps us be a more effective members in a group of any kind (family, friends, work, etc.).
Group emotions lead to a variety of attitudinal, behavioral, and performance outcomes at the individual level.
People in a group experience shared emotions that are different from their individual emotions. These emotions affect how people within the group relate to each other and behave towards others.
Reactions to social groups and their members have been clearly explained by emotions, attitude and intergroup behavior.
When group members learn and understand how to regulate their emotions, they are better able to handle group conflict.
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Barsade SG, Gibson DE. Group Affect: Its Influence on Individual and Group Outcomes Current directions in psychological science: a journal of the American Psychological Society. 2012;21(2):119-123
Smith E., Seger, C. Mackie D. Can emotions be truly group level? Evidence regarding four conceptual criteria. Journal of personality and social psychology, 2007;93(3)431.
Ibid.
Smith ER, Mackie DM. Group-level emotions. Current Opinion in Psychology. 2016;11:15-9.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Noticing Group
Practice
When problems come up with your group, take note to the specific interactions that lead to the moment the situation becomes difficult. Was it a miscommunication? Unspoken or misunderstood expectations? Noticing is about paying attention to what is not working. Noticing is needed first, before you can think about fixing what is not working.
When you have a conflict, large or small, take a moment and ask yourself to “Pause. What’s the Cause?” What are the components of the situation? What is happening for others that is contributing to the situation? Can you see the situation from another’s perspective? Our Connecting Skills of Listening and Empathizing help us understand the situation from other perspectives and thus to be stronger collaborators.
Noticing what you think and how you feel about others. Notice when you are judging other members of your family or group in your own mind (negative self-talk). Practice pausing your judgments and changing your thought patterns to being curious and seeking understanding about their situation.
In the moment noticing. When entering a room with a group, scan and notice what the person is telling you through their body language, expression, and tone. What are they communicating outside of their words? Are they ready to participate?
Model
In the moment you notice something not working within your group, verbalize what you are noticing and ask for confirmation.
Start together. Since we all bring our whole selves into the group, it helps us to both understand each other’s perspectives and center ourselves if we just quickly name what is actually going on for us.
How full is our resilience bucket? Each person can describe the level of their resilience bucket in a percentage, like they would describe the charge on a phone, (“My resilience is about 20% today, or 50%, or 90%), or say a number from 1-10 that describes their readiness to be present
Think about family or group roles. Talk about roles with each other:
What is the primary role you play in the family or group? (Example: Keep people on track, ask questions, tell stories, bring order to ideas, take notes, follow orders)
Does everyone have a role? Why or why not?
Coach
Set aside time to talk to with others and to ask them to reflect on a time when they noticed someone in the household struggling. What did they notice or sense about why the other person was strugglin
Appreciating Others Communicate what I appreciate.
What do I appreciate about others’ geniuses, qualities, and skills?
Appreciating Others means noticing and acknowledging the unique gifts, efforts, and contributions that others bring to a family, team, or group. Whether spoken aloud or held in our thoughts, appreciation helps others feel seen, valued, and included.
Practicing Appreciating Others Looks Like:
Naming someone’s specific strengths or efforts
Offering sincere gratitude and acknowledgment
Expressing appreciation in group settings, not just one-on-one
Valuing contributions that may go unnoticed
Seeing the full humanity in others—including both their gifts and struggles
When we practice appreciation, we strengthen trust and connection. It also helps us recognize others’ challenges with more compassion and humanity. It’s important to check in on how people prefer to be appreciated—some feel uplifted by public recognition, while others may find it uncomfortable and prefer a quiet, one-on-one acknowledgment. Tailoring our appreciation shows respect and deepens its impact.
Why Appreciating Others — The Science
Noticing the level of group emotional relatedness or separation helps us be a more effective members in a group of any kind (family, friends, work, etc.).
If a workplace creates a culture where individuals feel appreciated and valued for their contributions, employee engagement and customer satisfaction is increased, staff turnover is decreased, and the organization grows in its sense of purpose.
Employees overwhelmingly choose to receive words of affirmation as the primary way they like to be shown appreciation. Monetary or tangible gifts need to be accompanied by praise to be viewed as deep appreciation.
Groups with collective positive emotions exhibit more cooperation and less conflict. Emotional convergence includes member interdependence, membership stability, emotion regulation norms, high interaction, commitment and cohesion.
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White P. Appreciation at Work training and the Motivating by Appreciation Inventory: development and validity. Strategic HR Review. 2016..
White P. How do employees want to be shown appreciation? Results from 100,000 employees. Strategic HR Review. 2017.
Rhee SY. Group Emotions And Group Outcomes: The Role Of Group-member Interactions. Affect and Groups Research on Managing Groups and Teams, 2007;10:65–95.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Appreciating Others
Practice
Appreciation reflection. Think about each member of your family, classmates, colleagues, sports team, or another group. What do you appreciate about that person? What positive attributes do they contribute to the family or group?
Share appreciation. Next time you interact with them, mention something you appreciate about them. Notice how your appreciation impacts you and your relationship with them. With practice, appreciation can become a mindset that we do both internally (in our self-talk) and directly with others on a regular basis.
Keep an appreciation record. Once a week, make a point to reflect and find at least one thing that you appreciate about each person in your family or group. Write these appreciations down and every month review all your appreciations.
Model
Appreciate promptly. The moment you notice yourself appreciating someone verbally share it with them. If someone helps out with the chores without asking, give appreciation. If a task is done without prompting, appreciate it.
Appreciate daily. Try and find at least one thing a day to verbally appreciate the other members of your group or family. When you get in the habit of speaking or writing appreciations regularly, people feel more valued and connected to the family or group.
Change it up. Try to say a different appreciation to each person in your group or family, at least once per week.
Appreciation pass off. Start meetings or meals with an appreciation pass off: Every person says something they appreciate about the person on their left. Switch directions the next time you do the activity.
Coach
Family appreciation practice. Invite the other members of your group to give appreciation to one another once a week at a meal or another group activity.
Written appreciations. Take time as a family to send an email, card, or note to those you appreciate, or someone you haven’t seen for a while, telling them what you appreciate about them.
Seeking Agreements Same page, same chapter, same book.
What explicit agreements do we need to establish so we can work together effectively?
Seeking Agreements means working together to define clear expectations—both for what needs to be done and how we relate to one another. In any group or family, agreements support cooperation, reduce conflict, and create a sense of shared purpose.
There are two kinds of agreements:
Cultural agreements guide how we interact, shaping tone, communication, and behavioral norms.
Task agreements define who will do what, how, and by when.
Practicing Seeking Agreements Looks Like:
Clarifying roles, responsibilities, and timelines for tasks
Naming group norms for tone, language, and respectful interaction
Asking others what they need to feel safe and supported
Making expectations visible—writing them down or saying them out loud
Revisiting agreements regularly and adjusting as needed
Inviting input from all group members to ensure shared ownership
When expectations remain unspoken, misunderstandings and tension often follow. Making agreements explicit and revisiting them regularly helps build trust, clarity, and emotional safety. It’s also essential to create space for group members to participate in shaping agreements, so everyone feels respected, responsible, and aligned.
Why Seeking Agreements — The Science
When organizations have agreements between goals, performance and reward systems, and the organizational culture, people cooperate better and the organization performs better.
Groups that create agreements on ground rules at the start were more positive about the process of working together. The process helps team members think about their expectations for the team.
Groups that create team charters of agreements are better able to handle disruptive events and thus perform better
When teams have a shared understanding, they are better motivated to focus on their collective performance goals.
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Sender SW. Systematic Agreement: A Theory of Organizational Alignment. Human Resource Development Quarterly 1997;(8)1: 23-40.
Whatley J. Ground Rules in Team Projects: Findings from a Prototype System to Support Students. Journal of Information Technology Education 2009;(8):161-76..
Sverdrup TE, Schei V, Tjølsen ØA. Expecting the unexpected: Using team charters to handle disruptions and facilitate team performance. Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice. 2017;(1):53.
Aubé CR, Rousseau V, Brunelle E, Marques D. The Relevance of Being “on the Same Page” to Succeed as a Project Team: A Moderated Mediation Model. Motivation and Emotion. 2018;(42)6: 804-815.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Seeking Agreements
Practice
Think about group activities that you have done recently—perhaps with your family, in school, at work, or with friends. Was everyone in agreement about what you were going to do in advance? Did you spell out the agreements clearly? If not, were some people disappointed or frustrated with how the activity occurred? What agreements might have been helpful to avoid this?
When things are unclear and create conflict with members of your group, ask for clarification in the moment and create an agreement on how to move forward.
Model
Share times when you have had a misunderstanding with others and how you created agreements to move past the misunderstanding.
Create family or group agreements. Set aside time to create Family or Group Agreements together. Ask for input from all members of your family or group. These agreements include how you want to be together and also what you agree to if the agreements are not honored.
Posting agreements. After your family or group has defined its agreements, post them where they are easily visible.
Coach
Help others think about implicit agreements they may or may be missing with their friends. Can they make those agreements more explicit? Do they have expectations they have not voiced? Help them name and voice their expectations and assumptions and think about a way of talking about them with their friends.
Help others come up with their own SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Relevant, and Timely. SMART goals are great building blocks for success.
Honoring Agreements Following through keeps us true.
How do I honor my agreements with integrity?
Honoring Agreements means following through on what you’ve said you’ll do—and being honest and proactive when plans need to change. It’s not about perfection; it’s about integrity, clarity, and respect.
Practicing Honoring Agreements Looks Like:
Clearly stating what you can and cannot commit to
Communicating early if something needs to change
Following through on tasks and relational commitments
Holding others accountable with respect and care
Renegotiating agreements when needed, rather than letting them slide
Building a culture of trust by doing what you say and saying what you’ll do
When we’re clear about what we can and can’t commit to, we create realistic expectations and reduce frustration. Honoring agreements also includes holding ourselves and others accountable, with compassion and without judgment. Agreements aren’t set in stone—they can and should evolve. What matters most is staying in honest communication and working together to reset expectations when needed.
Why Honoring Agreements — The Science
When people are held accountable for both their outcomes and the process they use, they achieve better outcomes and share knowledge more than when the focus is on one or the other.
When learning environments change, the implicit ground rules and agreements are not necessarily shared. Renegotiation of these agreements helps the group adapt.
Teams perform better when they confront each other if they break norms.
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Chang W, Atanasov P, Patil S, Mellers BA, Tetlock PE. Accountability and adaptive performance under uncertainty: A long-term view. Judgment & Decision Making. 2017;12(6).
Staarman JK. The Joint Negotiation of Ground Rules: Establishing a Shared Collaborative Practice with New Educational Technology. Language and Education, 2009;23(1)79-95.
Druskat VU, Kayes DC. Learning versus Performance in Short-Term Project Teams. Small group research. 2016;31(3):328–353.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Honoring Agreements
Practice
Consider the impact of honoring your agreements, or when you or others neglect honoring agreements. How does it feel to tell someone you will do something and then not do it? What is the impact on you and others when you complete something on time and a job well done? How does it feel when someone has committed to an appointment with you and doesn’t show up or is very late? Or someone has committed to finishing a task and doesn’t tell you they can’t make the deadline?
Regular communication: We find ourselves most often “out of agreements” if we have too many competing priorities and are “fighting fires” all the time. Checking in regularly and comparing progress to priorities helps all involved to build accountability.
Model
Match your words to your actions. If others hear you say that Integrity is important to you, and hear you say that you are taking difficult actions because of your integrity, they are more likely to understand what integrity is and adopt it as a value.
Holding each other accountable: When someone has not met an agreement, it is helpful to be curious about where things stand and ask directly. When one of your group agreements is not being honored, verbally name what agreement is not being met, and seek clarity. Inquiring about the undone task or unmet cultural agreement makes room for a clarifying conversation. It lets the other person know that you care enough to say something. This also means following on holding each other accountable, using through with the agreement made for that process.
Own up to your own mistakes. If you do not meet one of your agreements, name that for those in the group and take the next steps to help show them how to hold you accountable.
Mining for conflict: If you search for what is not working in the family or group and speak up about it openly, clarification becomes easier. Inquiring authentically about hidden (or not so hidden) conflict reduces reactivity between you and others because you are asking to solve it together. When something is not working for you, how open are you to communicating about what is not working for you and why?
Update communication: As soon as you know that you can’t meet a deadline, communicate clearly that you can’t and update others on when you can commit to having it done, or partially done if appropriate.
Reviewing agreements. It is extremely helpful to speak agreements aloud on a timely basis. Set a regular time for this to be done in a structured way (once a week, before a meeting or fun event). Take turns having someone read the agreements aloud so everyone can see, hear, and feel their relevance.
Renegotiating agreements: It is good practice to revisit your family or group agreements regularly. Family or group members’ needs and activities change over time. After you discuss them, the group can make new commitments to the revised set of agreements.
Coach
When others in your group do not meet an agreement, ask group members to help hold others accountable in the manner that you have agreed to together.
Work with others to ensure that they have clear communication with their friends so that they can “do what they say and say what they are going to do.’
Contributing Intentionally Think it, believe in it, contribute it.
Is my contribution to the group or family adding value?
Contributing Intentionally means choosing to engage in ways that support the group’s purpose, wellbeing, and progress. It’s not about taking up space—it’s about offering your voice, perspective, and energy with care and intention. Every contribution matters, from speaking up with ideas to bringing lightheartedness or noticing group dynamics.
Practicing Contributing Intentionally Looks Like:
Sharing your thoughts, questions, or concerns to move the group forward
Encouraging quieter voices to contribute and be heard
Offering emotional presence—humor, empathy, or calm
Asking about unspoken dynamics that may be impacting the group
Naming what’s working well and celebrating group progress
Taking risks to speak with honesty and purpose, even when it feels vulnerable
Leaders play an important role by modeling meaningful contribution and encouraging others to do the same. Subtle roles—like asking thoughtful questions, naming undercurrents, or inspiring others—can be just as valuable as task-based contributions. Intentional contribution often takes courage and vulnerability, especially when sharing something that may challenge the group or push deeper reflection.
Why Contributing Intentionally — The Science
People adapt to whether they are a leader or follower, depending on the role that is needed for both cooperation and coordination.
Children develop key prosocial skills when they are encouraged to take the initiative and make mature contributions to shared, mutual family responsibilities.
Groups are greatly affected by those who act in key informal roles. These roles include opinion leaders, central connectors, bottlenecks, experts, consultants, and helpful people. In particular, performance is improved by those who act first and synthesize problem solving, expertise, and accessibility.
Silence is of the major barriers to system change. the fear of the lower level to speak truth to power, and senior leaders’ reluctance to seek the truth. Honest conversations are transformative, improving effectiveness and performance while simultaneously transforming trust and commitment.
When people share information with each other, there is less conflict in the group and it performs better.
Leadership can be viewed through a variety of perspectives: those who are the formal leaders, those who perform leadership functions in a team, or those who ensure that the team achieves its goals.
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Nakayama S, Marín MR, Camacho M, Porfiri M. Plasticity in leader–follower roles in human teams. Scientific Reports Nature Publisher Group. 2017;(11);7:1-9.
Coppens AD, Alcalá L, Rogoff B, Mejía-Arauz R. Children’s contributions in family work: Two cultural paradigms. Familial and friendship relations and spatial socialities. 2016;5.
de Toni AF, Nonino F. The key roles in the informal organization: a network analysis perspective. The Learning Organization 2010;17(1):86-103.
Beer M. Why honest conversations are transformative. Research in Organizational Change and Development 2020. Emerald Publishing Limited.
Moye NA, Langfred CW. Information Sharing and Group Conflict: Going Beyond Decision Making to Understand the Effects of Information Sharing on Group Performance. International Journal of Conflict Management. 2004;15(4).
Morgeson FP, DeRue DS, Karam EP. Leadership in teams: A functional approach to understanding leadership structures and processes. Journal of management. 2010;36(1):5-39.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Contributing Intentionally
Practice
Take time to write down all the ways you contribute to your household, class, or another group. What is your named role? Now write down all the ways you contribute that make you feel the most fulfilled.
Think about the ways others contribute. Could they be contributing in different ways? Maybe activities have changed or people have gotten older. Ensuring that everyone is contributing their best selves in age-appropriate ways is how we learn responsibility. When we all feel our contributions are needed, it increases a feeling of belonging.
Each person affects the dynamic of the whole group. What happens when one person is absent from the family or group, or if that person changes their role? How does that impact the dynamic in the group? Who picks up the role? What happens if the role is left empty?
Model
Name contributions and roles. Name for the other members of your household, class or group how you contribute and how they contribute to the happiness and needs of your group. Have everyone take turns talking about what they see as everyone’s contributions and “roles.” Has that changed over time? What changes might be good to ensure that everyone is contributing in a way that helps the family or group?
Practice leadership. Take turns planning events. When you trade the role of leadership with others, everyone learns how it feels to play a different role.
Shout-outs to honor contribution. Give shout-outs to others when you see them providing good leadership, facilitation or supporting roles.
Pause to Notice. When the group gets stuck in an argument or negative talk track, intentionally pause and take a minute to regroup. Then inquire about what is working well and what is needed next.
Coach
Help others to name how they contribute to the family, to their classroom, to their friend groups. Is there anything they feel they are missing? How could they contribute in a more meaningful way?
