Discover How Connecting Skills Strengthen Your Relationships
The six We Are Resilient™ Connecting Skills—Noticing Others, Heartfelt Listening, Empathizing, Choosing Kindness, and Speaking Authentically—are powerful, evidence-based tools that strengthen our relationships and deepen connection.
These evidence-based skills are tools to help us move from disconnection to understanding—especially when tensions run high or communication breaks down. By tuning into others with empathy and expressing ourselves authentically, we create space for trust, compassion, and meaningful connection to grow.
Noticing Others is a Connecting Skill. “Noticing you gives me a clue.”
What am I noticing about the other person? What am I sensing/feeling about what is happening for them?
Noticing Others means taking the time to focus and pay attention to the signals someone is sending us. Their expressions, body language, and tone of voice can all tell us a lot. In fact, studies have shown that more than 55% of communication is body language alone. Can we be curious about who they are and what their story is?
Research on noticing distinguishes key elements of observation, including:,Noticing is selective. It involves attending to some phenomena and disattending to others
Noticing requires paying attention to context
Noticing means understanding the significance
Noticing patterns are highly influenced by prior experience
Noticing is highly variable across individuals
The switch as we move from perceiving the world from our own perception to being able to see others has a physiological component, correlating to the parts of the brain that perceive and then react to that perception.
Being able to manage our inner life lets us tune in to others with genuine care, and function at our best. The more upset we are, the more self-focused we become. We tune out the people around us, tune out the systems around us, and we just think about ourselves.
Success in personal and work relationships is predicted by skill in perceiving, using, understanding, and managing emotions.
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Erickson F. On noticing teacher noticing. Mathematics teacher noticing: Seeing through teachers’ eyes. 2011;1:17-34.
Rooney D, Boud D. Toward a Pedagogy for Professional Noticing: Learning through Observation. Vocations and Learning 2019 10;12(3):441-457.
Plante TG. Contemplative practices in action: Spirituality, meditation, and health. ABC-CLIO. 2010.
Salovey P, Grewal D. The science of emotional intelligence. Current directions in psychological science. 2005;14(6):281-285.
Goleman D, Senge PM. The triple focus: A new approach to education. More Than Sound. 2014.
Hall JA, Ship AN, Ruben MA, Curtin EM, Roter DL, Clever SL, Smith CC, Pounds K. Clinically relevant correlates of accurate perception of patients’ thoughts and feelings. Health communication. 2015;4;30(5):423-429.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Noticing Others
Practice
When you have a conflict, large or small, take a moment and ask yourself “Pause, What’s the Cause?” When you are trying to connect with someone, notice their body language, tone of voice, and energy level. Are you engaging in a positive way? Is there something wrong? Is it something you said? Is it something that you can help with?
Noticing emotions and attitude: Notice what you see, feel, and hear in another’s facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language. What are you feeling inside yourself as you notice the other person’s emotions or attitudes?
Reflect on the emotions that your family often jumps to when frustrated. Are they feeling anger or is this reaction coming from a place of being hurt? Take note on how often and what are the common situations which create these emotions.
Noticing how you think about others. Notice when you are using negative words about others. What might an alternative story be? For every negative word you use for that person, choose two positive words. How does that impact how you see them?
Model
When you are triggered and feeling a strong emotion, share this and name what the emotion is with your family. This is not to have them fix or change the emotion, but to help them learn to notice emotions, name them and talk about them.
Coach
Inquire, confirm and support: When you notice your family members’ emotions (good and bad) verbalize to them what you are noticing. You can say, “What are you feeling? Anything you want to share?” Rather than just guessing, when you confirm your impressions of another’s emotions, you can better support them. This is not an exercise to try and fix or change their emotions, just take note.
Heartfelt Listening is a Connecting Skill. “Feeling apart? Listen with my heart.”
How can I listen to truly understand what someone is trying to communicate?
Heartfelt Listening means listening non-judgmentally and truly opening our hearts to what the other person is saying. Rather than focusing on problem solving, we listen wholeheartedly.
High-quality listening enables speakers to (a) elaborate on an event, (b) connect emotionally to it, and (c) become more self-aware.
High-quality listening makes speakers talk more fluently, coherently, and produce more interesting narratives. This process consequently influences speakers’ self-knowledge and memory of these narratives.
Experiencing high quality listening sends the speaker a signal that she is interesting and worthy of attention, thereby increasing personal growth. Furthermore, it has been shown that the non-judgmental nature of high-quality listening frees speakers from self-presentational concerns, which increases their psychological safety and reduces their social anxiety.
Improving empathic listening skills, in which physicians connect with empathy and optimism, fosters a “compassionate connection” that can quicken healing.
When people are trained to listen empathetically, they understand others better. This type of listening takes time and is not “results-oriented” but it can change power dynamics.
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Itzchakov G. Kluger A. The Listening Circle: A Simple Tool to Enhance Listening and Reduce Extremism Among Employees. Organizational Dynamics 2017 (in press).
Ibid
Ibid
Rakel D. The Compassionate Connection: The Healing Power of Empathy and Mindful Listening. WW Norton & Company 2018.
Shrivastava A. Active Empathic Listening as a Tool for Better Communication. International Journal of Marketing & Business Communication 2014;3(3).
How to Practice-Model-Coach Heartfelt Listening
Practice
When others are talking, listen without thinking about yourself or your own response. Take a moment to really take in what they are feeling. Notice what reciprocal feeling that creates in you. Respond to them from that feeling place. Ask them if they feel heard by what you shared.
When listening to others in your life, pay attention to how you are listening. Are you predicting what they are going to say or are you open and curious? Heartfelt Listening works when we can remove thinking about ourselves from the process.
Think about a time when you did not hear and understand what someone else actually said. How did that impact your relationship?
Empathic listening: When someone is talking with you about something painful in their life, practice heartfelt listening to understand their feelings rather than offering solutions to their problems. Any questions should be to clarify your understanding of their perspective. Sometimes being heard is all the other person needs to solve their own problems.
Model
When listening to others, repeat back to them what you heard and ask them to confirm before moving forward with the conversation. If they say something particularly important but move on quickly from it, ask them to pause and note the significance of the key concept (“Let’s stop for a moment. You said that really made you sad. I am sorry you feel so sad. It is difficult when….”)
Digital-Free listening: When you are having a conversation, put down your phone and other digital devices and give them your full attention. This allows you to perceive the non-verbal information better and more authentically.
Inquiry-based listening: Ask deeper questions of your friends or family members, in which you really listen to what is going on with them. Suggested questions include “Can you tell me more?” or “Why is that important to you?”
“Rose and Thorn” Daily check-in: Each day, perhaps at a meal, ask your family members to name one thing that went well for them and one thing that could have gone better. Spend time heartfelt listening to what is happening in their lives.
Coach
When communicating with others, ask them to repeat back what they heard you say. If they are struggling to listen openly from the heart, ask them to focus on not what they think you are going to say but be open to what you are saying.
Empathizing is a Connecting Skill. “Hearts are the prize when we empathize.”
What is the other person feeling?
Empathy is being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others. It is acknowledging and letting in what someone else is feeling and experiencing. Empathy involves recognizing the emotions of others, taking on their perspective and using that information to guide us
Empathy can be healing. Patients who felt empathy from their doctor recovered from their cold faster.
The personal distress experienced by observing others’ pain often motivates us to respond with compassion. Providing mutual help reduces our own distress.
When we see another person’s situation from his or her point of view, and we value their welfare, it can override our bias.
Physicians foster empathy by recognizing their own emotions, attending to negative emotions over time, attuning to patients’ verbal and nonverbal emotional messages, and becoming receptive to negative feedback.
Importantly, physicians who learn to empathize with patients during emotionally charged interactions can reduce anger and frustration and also increase their therapeutic impact.
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Rakel D, Barrett B, Zhang Z, Hoeft T, Chewning B, Marchand L, Scheder J. Perception of empathy in the therapeutic encounter: effects on the common cold. Patient education and counseling. 201;85(3):390-397.
Riess H. The science of empathy. Journal of patient experience. 2017;4(2):74-77.
Ibid
Halpern J. Empathy and patient–physician conflicts. Journal of general internal medicine. 2007;22(5):696-700.
Ibid.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Empathizing
Practice
When a member of your family is struggling, tell yourself a story about why they might be feeling this way. Can you see how the situation is difficult for them, understand their perspective?
When paying attention to others with an open heart, you can discover a great deal about what is true for that person. Think about someone in your life and put yourself in their shoes and ask, “what might be true for ______?” What might their life be like, their emotions, thoughts and feelings?
Find your “blind spots”: Seek to know what you don’t know about other people’s experiences. Search for commonalities with people who are different from you (different religion, political party, income level, race, etc). When you empathize with differences, you can find pathways to solutions together.
Watch, listen to, and read great stories: When you watch TV shows, listen to or read stories, you are being shown how it feels to be in lives other than our own. Can you feel what it is like to be the people in the stories?
Practice having empathy for yourself: When something is difficult, give yourself empathy by acknowledging what is difficult and that you are in a situation you wish you were not. When we have empathy for ourselves, we can better have empathy for others.
Model
When situations come up where you find yourself empathizing with other people’s situations, share that with your family .
Acknowledge the other person’s emotions. Even if you don’t agree with someone’s opinion, acknowledging and mirroring the other person’s feelings can help you empathize better.
Be curious: When talking with others, see if you can ask questions that allow you to discover how they are feeling about their lives, even in the small moments. Try to keep your questions as a “friendly inquiry” rather than a cross-examination. Try to have a conversation with at least one stranger per week–at the store, the post office, or in line.
Coach
When situations come up for others where they are not connecting with others in their life, help them create other stories to see the other perspective.
When someone is in conflict, you can help them find empathy. First, acknowledge what is going on for them and demonstrate empathy for them. Then, you can have empathy with the other person in the conflict and share your ideas on how the other person may have felt or ask them to explore how the other person may have felt.
Each Kindness by Jacqueline Woodson (Age 5 – 10 years)
Choosing Kindness
Choosing Kindness is a Connecting Skill. “The choice is mine to be kind.”
How can I act kindly in this situation?
In any relationship or situation, we often have moments where we can take a little extra care and choose a kind approach. When we are friendly, generous, and considerate towards others, we help ourselves as well as them. When we make a choice to be kind, that choice gives us a sense of control and satisfaction and empowers us to be our best selves. It also empowers others because it helps them feel loved and valued.
Performing acts of kindness improves our well-being.
People who have “low agreeableness” (hostile, antagonistic, with a propensity for conflict) report reduced depression and increased life satisfaction after performing acts of kindness.
People who performed kind acts for others showed favorable changes in immune cell gene expression profiles.
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Curry OS, Rowland LA, Van Lissa CJ, Zlotowitz S, McAlaney J, Whitehouse H. Happy to help? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the effects of performing acts of kindness on the well-being of the actor. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 2018;76:320-329.
Mongrain M, Barnes C, Barnhart R, Zalan LB. Acts of kindness reduce depression in individuals low on agreeableness. Translational Issues in Psychological Science. 2018;4(3):323.
Nelson-Coffey, S. Katherine, et al. “Kindness in the blood: A randomized controlled trial of the gene regulatory impact of prosocial behavior.” Psychoneuroendocrinology 2017;81: 8-13.
Mascaro JS, Darcher A, Negi LT, Raison CL. The neural mediators of kindness-based meditation: a theoretical model. Frontiers in psychology. 2015;6:109.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Choosing Kindness
Practice
Make the choice: When situations arise, such as when you encounter a difficult person in the world (a snarky classmate, a insensitive customer support rep, a nosey neighbor) take a breath and ask yourself how can you Choose Kindness in this situation. Often this takes choosing a Centering Skill or two. Can you take a few extra minutes to help? How might you just be with someone who is upset, or help to reassure them? Can you use a kind tone of voice?
Remember a moment in your life when you did not choose kindness. Perhaps you were judgmental or rude. Think about why you did not choose kindness. What value of yours was crossed that made you judgmental or unkind? How did it make you feel? How did that impact your perception of the person? How did it change your relationship with that person? In retrospect, was there a more effective way to handle the situation?
Recall a moment in your life when you DID choose kindness. How did that make you feel? How did that impact your relationship with this person?
Choosing kindnesseven in difficult situations: When you listen with your heart, it can motivate you to act with kindness. When you see that someone is having a bad day, you can help them, regardless of how you feel about them. How does that make you feel?
Model
When Choosing Kindness, verbalize your process to others. For example, if you are at the grocery store and someone cuts in line you can choose to let it go, reframe the situation and share that with those close to you.
Give yourself a pep-talk: Before going into a challenging situation (a difficult meeting, a conversation with someone you don’t get along with,), give yourself a two-minute pep talk in front of others about how you can choose kindness.
Make the switch: If someone snaps at you, can you respond kindly? If you can center yourself and maintain healthy boundaries, sometimes a kind response can diffuse negativity.
When you notice something about someone you like or appreciate (an outfit, their kind smile), have the courage to share the compliment. Try to do it at least once every day.
Coach
When those around you are experiencing a tough situation, ask them to write down three things they could do to choose a kind response. Then ask them to follow through with them.
Speaking Authentically is a Connecting Skill. “When I authentically talk, hearts unlock.”
How can I speak my truth in this moment, being open, kind, vulnerable and centered?
Speaking authentically means that we say what we are thinking and feeling even though we feel vulnerable (emotionally, socially, and/or economically). Though it may be difficult, we speak with kindness and strength.
Honest conversations are transformative, improving effectiveness and performance while simultaneously transforming trust and commitment.
Authenticity, autonomy, competence, and relatedness have all been significantly related to self-esteem.
Authenticity enhances well‐being by satisfying needs for relatedness and competence.
Authenticity and well-being at work are related to the relationship between meaning and work.
Perceptions of self-efficacy and psychological safety influence active and honest speaking-up.
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Beer M. Why honest conversations are transformative. Research in Organizational Change and Development 2020. Emerald Publishing Limited.
Heppner WL, Kernis MH, Nezlek JB, Foster J, Lakey CE, Goldman BM. Within-person relationships among daily self-esteem, need satisfaction, and authenticity. Psychological Science. 2008;19(11):1140-1145.
Thomaes S, Sedikides C, van den Bos N, Hutteman R, Reijntjes A. Happy to be “me?” authenticity, psychological need satisfaction, and subjective well‐being in adolescence. Child Development. 2017;88(4):1045-11056.
Ménard, Julie, and Brunet, Luc. “Authenticity and Well‐being in the Workplace: A Mediation Model.” Journal of Managerial Psychology 2011;26.4: 331-46.
Roussin CJ, Larraz E, Jamieson K, Maestre JM. Psychological safety, self-efficacy, and speaking up in interprofessional health care simulation. Clinical Simulation in Nursing. 2018;17:38-46.
Vazeou-Nieuwenhuis A, Schumann K. Self-compassionate and apologetic? How and why having compassion toward the self relates to a willingness to apologize. Personality and Individual Differences. 2018;124:71-76.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Speaking Authentically
Practice
Start centered. Make sure when you are speaking authentically you are doing so from a centered place. Use your Centering Skills if needed.
Be prompt. When things come up that create conflict, do not wait to address it.
What information are you withholding from others that might be helpful for them to have?
What would be helpful to say so that others know what is important to you (letting someone know that your feelings were hurt or they crossed a boundary).
Think about why are you afraid to speak. Is it the other person’s reaction? Worry about saying it wrong? When we understand what we are afraid of, it helps to overcome the barrier.
Share the “mining for conflict.” When something is not working for you, can you tell the person what is not working for you and why? You can share with the other person that something feels “off” and ask if they feel it, too. Even if they don’t feel it, you can share what you are experiencing and ask if they can work on it together with you. Often, when you directly ask about potential sources of conflict, it can reduce the negative reactions between you and the other person because you are asking to solve it together.
Start with yourself: To forgive yourself, start by acknowledging the mistake you made and the pain you caused yourself and others. Think about what was in your control and what was not. Then let go of your offense and work on moving forward.
Start small: In a kind voice, start speaking when small things aren’t working for you.
Notice what stops you: When you want to speak up but don’t, notice what your body is telling you about why. Are you afraid of being embarrassed? Exposed socially or emotionally? Fired? Sometimes you have to think through potential power dynamics before you can create a path for yourself to speak up. When you know why you are not speaking up, you might be in a stronger position next time.
Set boundaries: In some relationships, you may need to speak authentically about boundaries. You may not be able to create a deeper connection, but you can set the boundaries that stop you from becoming more hurt.
When things come up that create conflict, do not wait to address it
Practice complete apologies: When you make a mistake, share what you could have done better. When you owe someone an apology, communicate it clearly. When you have hurt someone close to you, even for small offenses, practice by ensuring your apologies have all three components:
Express remorse (I’m sorry)
Admit your mistake and the impact (I was late and you had to wait)
Offer reparations (Is there anything I can do to make up for it?)
Make your asks clear: If you can let others know exactly what you need, they will be better able to help you. (Can I have your help in making dinner at 5 pm today?)
Coach
Encourage your loved ones to openly share with you their concerns, fears, and conflicts. It is important to remain open and use Heartfelt Listening to make sure they feel safe and comfortable to do so.
