Last week, a loved one entered a 28-day treatment for alcohol addiction. It forced me into some deep reflection. As you may imagine, some painful decisions led to this moment. There was a clear “before”, there is the “during” part (where we’re now) and there will be an “after” phase. Thinking about our behavior in each phase led me to examine our protective patterns, and how they shape our responses to uncertainty, each other, and the possibility of change.
I now recognize that an over-reliance on alcohol can sometimes begin, or be reinforced, as an attempt to manage feelings that have become overwhelming. We all develop protective patterns when we’re young in response to what happens to us. Without being aware of them, we often move through life on autopilot, carrying those ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving into adulthood. Sometimes they still serve us well. They may keep us safe, buoy us through difficulty, or comfort us when we’re sad. At other times, they can backfire. Our familiar ways of coping may hurt us. They can lead us to exaggerated thinking and feelings.
For some people, alcohol or other substances can become part of that coping. That does not mean Protective Patterns cause addiction. Substance use disorders are complex medical conditions shaped by biological, psychological, social, environmental, and other factors. But understanding the feelings, experiences, and patterns that surround substance use can be one meaningful part of recovery.
For me, learning about Protective Patterns offered another way to understand what may be happening underneath some of the behaviors—not as an explanation for addiction itself, but as a way of approaching the person I love with greater curiosity and compassion.
With this crisis, I’ve been reflecting on how my loved one’s patterns might change, which might not, and how our responses to each other could either reinforce old patterns or support recovery.
But since it’s my own protective patterns that I have control over, I’ll speak to those. Some feel like old friends trying to help. Distrusting shows up when I ask myself, “Can I be counted on to ‘be there’ to support my person?” Hypervigilance is a familiar go-to for me: “Will it be possible to feel safe again? Will we ever get back to normal?” And as I support this person, I have to be careful not to abandon my own needs. Hyper-caretaking someone else can easily take the place of regular and routine self-care for me.
Noticing the other three patterns asks even more of me. It takes courage to move beyond avoiding conversations that, until now, we had tacitly agreed to leave off the table. I’m using my Centering Skills to notice when I want to defend myself, so I can keep listening, learning, and trying to understand. Finally, it is so easy to look for the “bad guy” in this situation. Who is responsible? Who can I blame? The protective pattern of attacking is ready to go at a moment’s notice. Blame can feel like a quick answer, but I know it won’t bring either of us closer to recovery.
These 28 days are hard. Still, I’m grateful to be forced to notice my protective patterns so I can make different choices. I’m willing to step toward new understanding—and, I hope, a closer and more healed relationship between us.
With resilience,
Annie and the Dovetail Learning team
Annie Millar, former Board Chair for Dovetail Learning, is a lifelong educator and a social worker. In either capacity, she is committed to building a world that works for everyone, especially for people in vulnerable communities.
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For additional support, resources are available:
National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI): national hotline available weekdays at 800-950-6264 or text “NAMI” to 62640; local chapters throughout the United States
Alcoholics Anonymous: local chapters throughout the world
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988