Protective Patterns What Helped You Cope Can Shift Into Choice
What are Protective Patterns?
Protective Patterns are automatic, learned reactions that we develop—often early in life—to help us feel safe in challenging situations. While these patterns once served an important purpose, they can become barriers to being fully present, connected, and collaborative when they are overused or triggered in the wrong context.
The six Protective Patterns we most commonly see are:
Distrusting – Assuming others have negative intent or will let you down.
Hypervigilance – Constantly scanning for danger, unable to relax or feel safe.
Hyper-caretaking – Prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of your own.
Avoiding – Withdrawing or disengaging to protect from discomfort or conflict.
Defending – Reacting with resistance or justification to perceived criticism.
Attacking – Lashing out or using blame to regain a sense of control or power.
By identifying and understanding our Protective Patterns, we create the opportunity to pause, reflect, and shift from reactive behavior to intentional choice. This self-awareness lays the foundation for practicing the skills of resilience. Importantly, the goal is not to criticize ourselves for having these patterns, but to remove shame and judgment so we can be in relationship with our true selves—including the parts shaped by past experiences and protective instincts.
Notice how and when you experience your own stress, especially in difficult situations with others. Recognize when and how you use Protective Patterns. When you use one, such as Avoiding or Hyper-Caretaking, ask yourself, “Is this helping or harming me or others?”
If you are using a Protective Pattern that is not helpful, remind yourself that we all do that sometimes. It is important for you to have self-compassion for yourself for your mistakes, even as you strive to respond with more Resilience over time.
Model
Notice the impact of your own stress on those you care about.
When you realize you are using a Protective Pattern, choose a Centering Skill. Name the pattern and the skill you used for those around you. “I am sorry I was attacking you. As soon as I noticed, I started Breathing Mindfully and I calmed down.”
Coach
Help others name and claim their Protective Patterns, so they can see the impact. “Are you being Hypervigilant with your friends? It seems you might be missing out on fun with them. Which Centering Skill could you choose to help?”
Distrusting Keeps you alert to mistakes—but can shut the door to support and connection.
What Does Distrusting Look Like?
Distrusting can show up in how we relate to others and to ourselves. It often stems from past experiences where trust was broken or where staying cautious felt safer than being vulnerable.
Toward Others:
We feel unsafe or unsure around people—even those with good intentions.
We assume others won’t follow through, understand us, or have our best interests at heart.
We may become overly critical, questioning motives or bracing for disappointment.
Toward Ourselves:
Self-trust is low, and we become harshly self-critical—sometimes before anyone else can be.
We doubt our own abilities, instincts, or worth.
We might think we’re not smart enough, capable enough, or that we’ll mess things up.
How It Can Help:
Distrusting developed to protect us from being hurt, misled, or disappointed. It can help us pause before jumping into risky situations, question unhealthy dynamics, or stay alert to red flags. When used with awareness, it sharpens our discernment and keeps us from repeating painful experiences. The key is learning when it’s truly keeping us safe—and when it’s keeping us stuck.
Hypervigilance Keeps you prepared for anything—but makes it hard to relax or feel safe.
What does Hypervigilance look like?
Hypervigilance is a heightened state of alertness where we are constantly scanning for potential threats—whether physical, emotional, or social. It often develops from past experiences where being alert was necessary for survival or safety.
When we’re in this state, our nervous system is always “on,” anticipating what might go wrong. While it may feel like we’re being responsible or prepared, this constant tension can take a toll on our body, mind, and relationships.
Signs of Hypervigilance:
Reading between the lines, expecting hidden motives or danger
Frequently feeling anxious, tense, or “on edge”
Having difficulty relaxing or sleeping because your mind won’t turn off
Always planning for the worst-case scenario
Being overly concerned with safety, control, or protecting others
Overreacting to small changes in tone, behavior, or environment
How It Can Help:
Hypervigilance forms as a protective response—especially for those who’ve experienced trauma, uncertainty, or unsafe environments. It can sharpen awareness, help anticipate danger, and keep loved ones safe in truly risky situations. When brought into awareness, it becomes a signal to pause and ask: Is this moment truly unsafe, or is this an old pattern replaying? That question opens the door to center ourselves and choose how to respond.
Hyper-Caretaking Helps you feel needed and in control—but can leave you depleted and unseen.
What does Hyper-Caretaking look like?
Seeking Agreements means working together to define clear expectations—Hyper-Caretaking is when we focus so much on meeting others’ needs that we lose sight of our own. It often comes from a deep desire to feel needed, stay connected, or avoid conflict—but over time, it can leave us exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from ourselves.
When we consistently put others first, we may start to feel like no one is looking out for us. What began as kindness or loyalty can turn into a pattern where we silently carry too much.
Signs of Hyper-Caretaking:
Believing your worth is tied to being helpful, needed, or indispensable
Constantly prioritizing others’ needs, even when it harms your well-being
Saying “yes” when you want or need to say “no”
Feeling guilty or selfish when you take time for yourself
Taking on emotional responsibility for how others feel
Becoming quietly resentful or feeling like a victim of your own generosity
How It Can Help:
Hyper-Caretaking often develops in environments where care was conditional or where peace depended on meeting others’ needs. It can help us build connections, earn approval, or avoid conflict. At its best, it reflects empathy and dedication. But when we bring it into awareness, we gain the power to care for others and ourselves—setting boundaries that protect our energy, restoring balance, and honoring our own needs as equally important.
Avoiding Shields you from discomfort or conflict—but disconnects you from growth and connection.
What does Avoiding look like?
Avoiding is when we turn away from discomfort, conflict, or difficult emotions instead of facing them. It can show up as numbing, denying, or distracting ourselves in an effort to feel safe or in control. While it may provide temporary relief, avoiding can keep us stuck and disconnected—from others, from reality, and from our own truth.
Avoiding often develops as a way to cope when things feel overwhelming or when we don’t feel equipped to deal with what’s happening. It’s a protective shield that says, “Maybe if I ignore this, it will go away.”
Signs of Avoiding:
Ignoring or minimizing problems, even when they need attention
Saying “It’s fine” or “It’ll all work out” while feeling otherwise inside
Avoiding certain people, places, or conversations
Overindulging in food, alcohol, social media, or shopping to escape feelings
Shutting down emotionally or withdrawing from others
Procrastinating on things that feel hard, emotionally or mentally
How It Can Help:
Avoiding is often a response to feeling overwhelmed, powerless, or unsafe. In the short term, it can offer a break from intense feelings or give us time to regroup. It may have helped us survive painful situations where we didn’t have the tools or support to face reality head-on. When we recognize this pattern, we gain the ability to gently turn toward what we’ve been avoiding—with compassion, not judgment. That’s where resilience begins.
Defending Protects your sense of self—but can shut down curiosity and honest dialogue.
What does Defending look like?
Defending is when we feel the need to protect our identity, our worth, or our point of view—often by proving we’re right or pushing back against perceived criticism. Even when no harm is intended, we may respond as if we’re being judged, blamed, or misunderstood.
This pattern can make it hard to truly hear others or stay open in conflict. Instead of engaging with curiosity or empathy, we may focus on self-protection and control—digging in, explaining ourselves, or shutting down.
Signs of Defending:
Avoiding vulnerability by staying in “debate mode”
Feeling attacked or criticized, even when feedback is gentle
Immediately explaining or justifying your actions
Interrupting or correcting others to prove a point
Dismissing others’ feelings or perspectives to protect your own
Becoming reactive or rigid when challenged
How It Can Help:
Defending often forms in environments where being wrong felt dangerous—where judgment, blame, or rejection were common. This pattern can help us preserve dignity, maintain control, or avoid shame. At its core, Defending is an attempt to protect our sense of self. When we bring it into awareness, we can choose to stay open instead of shutting down—making room for growth, repair, and deeper connection.
Attacking Regains power and control quickly—but can harm trust and create fear.
What does Attacking look like?
Attacking is a reaction that arises when we feel threatened, powerless, or deeply hurt—and try to protect ourselves by going on the offensive. It can show up as yelling, blaming, criticizing, or using force—verbally, emotionally, or even physically. Sometimes, we turn that same harshness inward, attacking ourselves with judgment or blame.
While this pattern can be intense, it’s often covering up vulnerability, fear, or a deep need to be seen and heard.
Signs of Attacking:
Turning the anger inward—blaming or shaming yourself in destructive ways
Raising your voice, yelling, or using threatening language or tone
Blaming others for what’s going wrong, without taking responsibility
Making harsh judgments or personal criticisms
Using body language to dominate or intimidate
Lashing out quickly when you feel hurt or disrespected
How It Can Help:
Attacking often develops as a survival strategy—especially for those who’ve had to fight for safety, control, or respect. It can create a sense of power when we feel powerless and may even help us get immediate results. But over time, it often damages relationships and erodes self-trust. When we notice this pattern, we can begin to meet the fear or pain underneath with compassion—and choose responses that protect without harming, assert without attacking, and create safety for everyone involved.
