Discover How Centering Skills Strengthen Your Wellbeing
The six We Are Resilient™ Centering Skills—Noticing Myself, Breathing Mindfully, Letting Go, Nurturing Myself, and PositiveReframing—are powerful, evidence-based tools that support personal resilience in the moments we need it most. These skills help us pause, reset, and center when life feels overwhelming.
Each skill opens a pathway to transform stress into strength—and become a more calm, grounded version of ourselves. When we notice what’s happening in our body, name our feelings, and come back to our breath, we begin to create space between what’s happening around us and how we respond.
Noticing Myself is a Centering Skill. “Pause, what’s the cause?”
What am I noticing/sensing/feeling? Are my Protective Patterns being triggered?
Noticing Myself involves pausing and noticing, paying attention to the intelligence of our senses, emotions, and intuition. Noticing Myself involves asking ourselves some questions: What are we aware of that is happening in and around us? What emotions are we feeling? What is happening in my body and around me?” An important part of Noticing Myself is being able to recognize, name, and feel our emotions.
What we monitor and focus our attention on a key driver of neural connectivity that can enhance neuroplasticity in ways that deepen resilience.
Neuroeducation can help us understand what is happening our the nervous system when we react to a threat in a way that got us into trouble. It focuses on biology rather than pathology.
Our emotions specifically and strongly influence our attention as well as motivating our actions and behaviors.
Ourlimbic system is where subcortical structures meet the cerebral cortex. It’s filled with neural pathways that activate our emotions in response to stimuli and controls our fight-or-flight response through the autonomic nervous system.
Learning, attention, memory, decision making, and social functioning are profoundly affected by emotion.
The first step to compassion is noticing, as we need to be open and receptive to what is going on to be compassionate.
Lutz, A., Slagter, H. A., Dunne, J. D., & Davidson, R. J. (2008). Attention regulation and monitoring in meditation. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 12(4), 163–169.
Leitch, L. Action steps using ACEs and trauma-informed care: a resilience model. Health Justice 5, 5 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40352-017-0050-5
Tyng, Chai M, Amin, Hafeez U, Saad, Mohamad N. M, and Malik, Aamir S. “The Influences of Emotion on Learning and Memory.” Frontiers in Psychology 8 (2017): 1454. 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01454
Immordino‐Yang, M.H. and Damasio, A. (2007), We Feel, Therefore We Learn: The Relevance of Affective and Social Neuroscience to Education. Mind, Brain, and Education, 1: 3-10. doi:10.1111/j.1751-228X.2007.00004.x
Miller, K. “Compassionate Communication in the Workplace: Exploring Processes of Noticing, Connecting, and Responding.” Journal of Applied Communication Research : JACR 35.3 (2007): 223-45. Web
How to Practice-Model-Coach Noticing Myself
Practice
Reflective noticing. Reflect on a time when you experienced an emotion in a strong way. What was that emotion trying to tell you? Can you identify a value that was crossed? Can you notice your emotional triggers?
After a really centered moment, reflect on the situation, too, so you can be aware of how that feels and what it took to get there, so you can reinforce the behaviors.
Noticing how you treat yourself
Notice when you are using negative words about yourself and others. Notice how that impacts you, how it makes your body feel, and how it affects your emotional state.
Notice when you are using positive word about yourself and others, how that impacts you, makes your body feel and affects your actions and energy level.
Model
When you Notice Myself and verbalize it for others, they learn to be more aware of their own emotions.
“I am having a bad day. I feel really sad right now. I will feel better later.”
Coach
Talk to your family about your emotions and their emotions. A common language will give them better understand how you are feeling and help them to talk to you about how they are feeling.
Breathing Mindfully is a Centering Skill. “Breath Deeply. Feel it Completely.”
Where in my body do I feel my breath?
By pausing and taking slow, full breaths, we calm ourselves. When we pay attention to the sensations of our own breath inside us, we concentrate on our body and bring our mind to rest. Breathing intentionally can help us relax and reduce our stress
Breathing mindfully prevents the amygdala from overreacting to potential threats and increases the coordination between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. Focused attention to breath has an emotional regulatory effect that is related with decreased amygdala and increased prefrontal-parietal cortex activation. The amygdala recognizes threats and sounds alarms while the prefrontal cortex signals whether the alarm is justified.
Breathing mindfully also increases the activity of the vagus nerve, a part of the parasympathetic nervous system. The vagus nerve controls and also measures the activity of many internal organs. When the vagus nerve is stimulated, calmness pervades the body. The heart rate slows and becomes regular, blood pressure decreases, and muscles relax. When the vagus nerve informs the brain of these changes, it too, relaxes, increasing feelings of peacefulness. Thus, the impact of breathing mindfully works through both neurobiological and biological mechanisms.
Some research suggests that reversing homeostatic alterations with meditation and paced breathing techniques rather than targeting neurotransmitters with medication may be a superior method to address the whole body changes that occur in stress, anxiety, and depression.
Significant associations have been found between respiration, heart rate variability (HRV), autonomic balance, and personality traits known to promote physical, mental, and social aspects of well-being, associated with balanced emotion.
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Doll, A., Holzel, B., Bratec, S., Boucard, C., Xiyao, X., Wohlschlager, A., and Sorg, C. (2016). Mindful attention to breath regulates emotions via increased amygdala-prefrontal cortex connectivity. NeuroImage. doi: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2016.03.041
Li C, Chang Q, Zhang J, and Chai W. (2018). Effects of slow breathing rate on heart rate variability and arterial baroreflex sensitivity in essential hypertension. Medicine (Baltimore). 97(18):e0639)
Jerath, R., Crawford, M.W., Barnes, V.A. et al. Self-Regulation of Breathing as a Primary Treatment for Anxiety. Appl Psychophysiol Biofeedback 40, 107–115 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10484-015-9279-8
How to Practice-Model-Coach Breathing Mindfully
Practice
A few times a week to set aside a 1-5 minutes to practice Breathing Mindfully. It is helpful to do this at varying times and increase the amount of time. Practice Breathing Mindfully until you feel comfortable engaging your breath for 5 minutes.
Model
When you find yourself feeling off centered, communicate to others that you are going to take a moment to breathe mindfully. After taking a moment to breathe, share how you are feeling after taking that time.
Coach
Invite others to practice breathing all together. Share your practice with them and create a breathing routine.
Lead others through 1 min of Breathing Mindfully: Start with one full breath. Put one hand over your heart and one hand on your belly. Breathe in slowly through your nose while mentally counting to three. Focus on the sensation of fresh air passing through your nostrils and coming into your lungs and be aware of how it feels inside your body as your diaphragm begins to drop and your belly expands and contracts. Pause, relax, and then exhale through your mouth as you release the old air, counting slowly to five. This is one mindful breath.
As you breathe mindfully several more times, focus on the sensations. As you breathe, notice…
Letting Go is a Centering Skill. “Set free what burdens me.”
What can I Let Go of?
Letting Go is the skill of releasing the conscious or unconscious “baggage”–words or actions that might have been hurtful, or feelings that are not serving us any more. Naming the unhelpful baggage we are holding is often the first step. (Letting in.) But even after we name what we are carrying, letting it go can be challenging. Sometimes we need to let go of our expectations, our attachment to a particular outcome. The bottom line is, if it is not helping us, set it aside so we can be open to what is next. (Letting come.)
The capacity to let go of negative thinking may increase cognitive flexibility, freeing us to direct our attention toward more adaptive lines of thought, problem-solving, and new courses of action.
More mindful individuals report a greater capacity to let go of their negative thoughts, and thus may perceive negative thoughts as being more controllable and less intrusive and bothersome. The capacity to let go of negative thinking may therefore increase individuals’ capacity for cognitive flexibility, freeing the individual to direct his or her attention toward more adaptive lines of thought, problem-solving, and courses of action.
Anxiety and depression are typically characterized by cognitive symptoms associated with worry and rumination. Identifying with, or giving too significant a meaning or importance of one’s thoughts, means it is more difficult for us to let go of negative thoughts.
At times, letting go of control and truly engaging with others may seem like we are abdicating leadership but it takes courage to do things differently.
Of significant importance is understanding that negativity is not always negative. What might be seen as negative “holding on” to an experience or attitude may paradoxically be conducive to flourishing and vice versa. There are good reasons not to “let go” of some attitudes and experiences. The benefits to wellbeing need inquiry and discernment.
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Frewen, P.A., Evans, E.M., Maraj, N. et al. Letting Go: Mindfulness and Negative Automatic Thinking. Cogn Ther Res 32, 758–774 (2008). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-007-9142-1
Ibid
Aronson N, Mastorovich MJ, Arsht B. Letting go…of control requires bold leadership. The Journal for Quality and Participation 2002 Summer;25(2):36-39.
Reflect on things from the past that have been hard to let go. Ask yourself, why can I not let this go? Should I let it go? Am I not letting it go because of my own expectations?
Letting go of annoyances. When you find yourself getting wound up by annoyances (standing in line, out of coffee, a slow internet), notice that it is not in your control and practice just letting it go.
Letting go of the hurt. When someone says something hurtful, you can ask yourself: Is there a grain of truth in what was said to you? If so, there could be something you might want to look into. Otherwise, their comment could be more about them (their needs, insecurities, etc) than about you. Let it go.
Letting go in review. When you are winding down for the evening, review the events of the day and ask yourself—what negativity from the day can I let go?
Model
When something comes up outside your control that impacts a relationship or your day, verbalize to your family members why and how you can let it go.
Coach
Create a space where everyone in your home can write down something outside their control that they can let go. At the end of the week collectively throw away (rip up, burn, dissolve in water) the list and celebrate letting it all go.
Finding Gratitude is a Centering Skill. “Growing Gratitude Improves My Attitude.”
What am I grateful for in myself, others, my situation, or life itself?
Gratitude profoundly affects our sense of wellbeing. When we focus on gratitude, our emotional resilience is strengthened. In most situations, there is something you can find to be grateful for—though we might have to work a bit to see it.
Grateful people are higher in positive emotions such as hope, optimism, happiness, vitality, and life satisfaction and also lower in negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, and envy. They are also more empathic, forgiving, helpful, and supportive.
Gratitude improves sleep: total sleep quality, subjective sleep quality, sleep latency, and sleep duration.
Gratitude also increases important neurochemicals, with a surging of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. These contribute to the feelings of closeness, connection and happiness that come with gratitude.
Gratitude’s benefits take time. If you participate in a gratitude writing activity, don’t be too surprised if you don’t feel dramatically better immediately after the writing.
Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) shows that gratitude activates areas in the mesolimbic and basal forebrain, regions involved in feelings of reward and the formation of social bonds.
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McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A., & Tsang, J.-A. (2002). The grateful disposition: A conceptual and empirical topography. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(1), 112–127.
Wood, A., Joseph, S., Lloyd, J., and Atkins, S. (2009). Gratitude influences sleep through the mechanism of pre-sleep cognitions, Psychosomatic Research, 66, 43–48
Ibid
Allen, S. The Science of Gratitude (2018), A white paper prepared for the John Templeton Foundation by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley
Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The neural basis of human social values: Evidence from functional MRI. Cerebral Cortex, 19(2), 276–283.
Doll, A., Holzel, B., Bratec, S., Boucard, C., Xiyao, X., Wohlschlager, A., and Sorg, C. (2016). Mindful attention to breath regulates emotions via increased amygdala-prefrontal cortex connectivity. NeuroImage. doi: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2016.03.041
Li C, Chang Q, Zhang J, and Chai W. (2018). Effects of slow breathing rate on heart rate variability and arterial baroreflex sensitivity in essential hypertension. Medicine (Baltimore). 97(18):e0639)
Jerath, R., Crawford, M.W., Barnes, V.A. et al. Self-Regulation of Breathing as a Primary Treatment for Anxiety. Appl Psychophysiol Biofeedback 40, 107–115 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10484-015-9279-8
How to Practice-Model-Coach Finding Gratitude
Practice
Morning Gratitude: Make the habit of starting your day by writing down three things you are grateful for.
Daily gratitude review. Before bed, identify three things from your day for which you are grateful.
Gratitude In the Moment. Take one minute to think about your day and a stressful situation that happened. Think about one thing you are grateful for about that situation or person. How might it change your stressful situations if you can find gratitude during the moment?
Week of Gratitude. Every day for a week, write down three things for which you are grateful. Write different things each day. Notice how this impacts you.
Model
Sharing your Gratitude Inventory. When you notice something to be grateful for, share it in the moment. By sharing your gratitude you are reinforcing the benefits of gratitude and it will be easier for others to practice the habit of being grateful as well.
Make a list of ten things in your life you are grateful for. Share this list with at least one person in your family and notice how it makes you feel.
Coach
Invite your family a few times a week to share what they are grateful for. Talk about how sharing what you are grateful for increases its benefits and spreads the benefits of gratitude to others.
Positive Reframing is a Centering Skill. “Change the view for a new you.”
How can I see the current situation from a different perspective?
Since our words shape our reality, Positive Reframing means looking at our inner narrative. We create the stories we tell ourselves about the world, ourselves, and others What story will be the most empowering for us?
Positive emotions may fuel individual differences in resilience. People who experienced more positive emotions became more resilient to adversity over time.,
Using reframing techniques can actually change our physical responses to stress because our body’s stress response is triggered by perceived stress more often than actual events.
The goal for cognitive reframing is to change behavior and/or to improve well-being. Cognitive Reframing involves:
Sense of personal control
Altering perceptions of negative, distorted, or self-defeating beliefs
Converting a negative, self-destructive idea into a positive, supportive idea
One specific type of positive reframing is self-compassion. “Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern and support you would show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.”
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Fredrickson, B. L. “The broaden–and–build theory of positive emotions.” Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society of London. Series B: Biological Sciences 359.1449 (2004): 1367-1377..
Fredrickson, Barbara L. “What good are positive emotions?.” Review of general psychology 2.3 (1998): 300-319.
Robbins, Megan L., et al. “Interpersonal positive reframing in the daily lives of couples coping with breast cancer.” Journal of psychosocial oncology 37.2 (2019): 160-177.
Robson Jr, James P., and Meredith Troutman-Jordan. “A Concept Analysis of Cognitive Reframing.” Journal of Theory Construction & Testing 18.2 (2014).
Neff, Kristin D., and Katie A. Dahm. “Self-compassion: What it is, what it does, and how it relates to mindfulness.” Handbook of mindfulness and self-regulation. Springer, New York, NY, 2015. 121-137.
How to Practice-Model-Coach Positive Reframing
Practice
Reflect on your own on a time things did not go the way they would have wanted. Now that time has passed can you see the situation from a different perspective? A positive perspective?
Positive Reframing includes:
Recognizing one’s agency (The story I tell myself matters)
Recognizing the negative story I am telling myself (This is a negative story that is limiting me)
Changing negative beliefs to positive ones (There is another, more empowering story that fits the same facts)
Recognizing the more positive viewpoint will often help me become who I want/achieve want I want (I can overcome obstacles and meet challenges)
Reframing mistakes. When you make a mistake, recognize that you have been given an opportunity to learn.
Reframing obstacles. Practice changing the way you see obstacles, so that instead they become opportunities for growth, to do something you had not thought of before.
Reframing negativity. When people present to you with negativity, try viewing their energy as their issue, that you don’t have to absorb.
Rewind to reframe. As soon as you notice you are getting off center, ‘rewind’ to the moment it happened and reframe with a new perspective as soon as you can. Catch it before it grows into something larger
Model
When things do not go the way things are planned, verbalize to others a different perspective. What is your “plan b”? Plan c? Plan k? Can you learn and grow from this somehow? If so how?
Coach
Reflect with others about a time things did not go the way they would have wanted. Now that time has passed can they see the situation from a different perspective? A positive perspective
Nurturing Myself is a Centering Skill. “For better health, I nurture myself.”
How can I nurture my body, emotions, mind, or spirit? Am I practicing self compassion? How can I nurture my sense of joy?
Nurturing ourselves is a skill fundamental to our wellbeing. Our needs are biologically hardwired into us, and ignoring them comes at a risk. This includes our emotional needs for connection and creativity; our physical needs for healthy food, adequate sleep, and exercise; and our spiritual needs for meaning and purpose in our lives.
Nurturing ourselves emotionally entails being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical. With self-compassion, we can view our negative thoughts and emotions with “mindful awareness” and approach them with balance and equanimity.
When we are mindful, we are experientially open to the reality of the present moment without judgment, avoidance, or repression. People who see themselves with self-compassion tend to experience more happiness, optimism, curiosity, creativity, and positive emotions such as enthusiasm, inspiration, and excitement.
Improving nutrition and exercise can reduce anxiety and depression. Nutrition plays a key role in the onset as well as severity and duration of depression. Supplemental levels of micronutrients have been effective in controlling and to some extent, preventing a range of mental health disorders.
Short sleep duration and poor sleep quality are both associated with physical and mental disorders. Even for people who generally have healthy sleep habits, if they start getting poorer sleep quality, they are more likely to have reduced mental health.
Exercise can contribute to improvements in mood, alertness, concentration, and sleep patterns. Exercise can also contribute to improved quality of life through social interaction, meaningful use of time, purposeful activity and empowerment.
People who create a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives are less likely to experience depression and anxiety.
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Neff, Kristin D., Kristin L. Kirkpatrick, and Stephanie S. Rude. “Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning.” Journal of research in personality 41.1 (2007): 139-154.
Bishop, S. R., Lau, M., Shapiro, S., Carlson, L., Anderson, N. D., Carmody, J., et al. . Mindfulness: A proposed operational definition. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 11, (2004)191-206.
Hollis-Walker, Laurie, and Kenneth Colosimo. “Mindfulness, self-compassion, and happiness in non-meditators: A theoretical and empirical examination.” Personality and Individual differences 50.2 (2011): 222-227..
Neff, Kristin D., Kristin L. Kirkpatrick, and Stephanie S. Rude. “Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning.” Journal of research in personality 41.1 (2007): 139-154.
Mechling BM, Arms T. Losing to Gain: The Effects of a Healthy Lifestyle Intervention on the Physical and Psychosocial Well-being of Clients in a Community-based Mental Health Setting. Community Ment Health J 2019 05;55(4):608-614.
Rao, TS Sathyanarayana, et al. “Understanding nutrition, depression and mental illnesses.” Indian journal of psychiatry 50.2 (2008): 77.
Lakhan, Shaheen E., and Karen F. Vieira. “Nutritional therapies for mental disorders.” Nutrition journal 7.1 (2008): 2.
Lee Seng ES, Xiao WT, Chong SA, Janhavi AV, Abdin E, Shafie S, et al. Independent and combined associations of sleep duration and sleep quality with common physical and mental disorders: Results from a multi-ethnic population-based study. PLoS One 2020 07;15(7).
Milojevich HM, Lukowski AF. Sleep and Mental Health in Undergraduate Students with Generally Healthy Sleep Habits. PLoS One 2016 06;11(6).
Alexandratos, Kristy, Fiona Barnett, and Yvonne Thomas. “The impact of exercise on the mental health and quality of life of people with severe mental illness: a critical review.” British Journal of Occupational Therapy 75.2 (2012): 48-60.
Diaz, Naelys, E. Gail Horton, and Tammy Malloy. “Attachment style, spirituality, and depressive symptoms among individuals in substance abuse treatment.” Journal of Social Service Research 40.3 (2014): 313-324
How to Practice-Model-Coach Nurturing Myself
Practice
Commit weekly to at least one way you will nurture yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Self-compassion. Sometimes it is difficult to see our own situation with kindness. Think of a challenging situation you are facing right now. If a friend told you about a similar situation, how would you kindly and with love support and advise them? Now, apply your kindness and support to yourself.
Build on your strengths. Make a list of the ways that you do care for yourself already. Are there areas/categories beyond physical needs that you notice you are missing from your life?
What are you missing? Write on a sheet of paper a list of the actions that you are most likely to need when you are pulled off-center. Examples: Eat healthy foods, sleep, find alone time, express my feelings in a healthy way (e.g. talking, creating art, journaling), find reasons to laugh, recognize my own strengths and achievements, do something comforting. Circle the activity you most commonly need when you are off-center.
Nurturing your physical self. Choosing more nutritious food, moving your body, and having a regular sleep cycle will nurture you at the most basic level. Notice when you are feeling healthy and strong and reinforce the practices that have helped create this state of being.
Letting in your own genius. Recognize and honor your own gifts, talents, accomplishments, and personal genius. Each of us is uniquely gifted in an extraordinary way. Letting in your own goodness is transformative.
Nurturing your emotional needs. Take some time for personal connection and/or creativity: call a friend, create dinner/a letter/a drawing/dance/sing/garden/play a game or anything else that strengthens relationships and taps into your creativity instead of chilling in front of the TV or social media.
Model
All too often in our busy lives the time we take for ourselves is others Because Nurturing Myself is so important to help keep us centered, you should not only allow others to see how you Nurture Myself but share it verbally as part of your family culture.
Letting in compliments. When someone gives you a compliment or appreciation, practice acknowledging and letting in the positive words and feeling the appreciation.
Communicating your needs. Let your family members or colleagues know when you need time/space to regroup your energy and nurture yourself.
Letting in caring feedback. When someone who cares about you suggests how you might view situations or do things differently, “try on” the new viewpoint or action.
Coach
Ask others how they are nurturing themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Do they have a sense of purpose or joy?
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive, by Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD
Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams, by Matthew Walker PhD
